Scamindia - interview added

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Scamindia - interview added

Postby Going South » Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:47 pm

http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/04/2 ... land-scam/

Amidst reports that AgustaWestland could be her Bofors, a beleaguered Sonia Gandhi called a meeting of senior Congress leaders and alliance partners who are still with UPA to discuss and formulate a strategy to face the BJP in parliament and Arnab in the Newshour.

Venue: 10, Janpath. Sonia Gandhi’s residence.

Sonia (opening remarks): Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…

Rahul: Complete nonsense. Let’s cut all this crap and get straight to the point.

Ajay Maken (murmurs): Though out of power this guy hasn’t changed a bit. Still the same word?

Sonia (whispers to Rahul): Beta, I’m not Maken, I’m your mom…who comes to your room every night and cries… (turns back to the group) We’re facing a grim situation today. Documents of scams and controversies from our time in the government are tumbling out every day. We need to discuss and formulate a strategy to counter BJP and Times Now…

Rahul: Absolutely. After all, how many days can we allow Arnab to keep the chair empty? We need to send someone.

Sonia: Manmohan, can you just go around and confirm that all the invitees are present?

Manmohan (gets up and walks around with a list): Chidambaram, yes. Singhvi, yes. Barkha Dutt? Why? (turns around to Sonia and asks) Ma’am, why is Barkha here?

Sonia: It’s okay, Manmohan. She is family. I invited her. In fact, you won’t be able to identify the next two guys without her help.

Manmohan: Next two guys? This old man with yellow shawl and the lean guy in spotless white shirt and dhoti? Who’re they?

Barkha (with a broad smile): Karunanidhi and Raja. Remember the ‘Tell me what I should tell them’? I got him inducted in your cabinet.

Raja gets up and genuflects to Barkha in true Dravidian style as Manmohan moves to check the attendance of others.

Manmohan (talks to himself): Digvijay Singh, yes. Ahmed Patel, yes. Rajeev Shukla, yes. Hain…Who’s this guy?

Srinivasan: I am Srinivasan from India Cements. Former BCCI….

Manmohan: But this meeting is for former UPA partners…

Srinivasan: I’m sorry. I thought it was meeting of all shady chaps in India. Like they do in Bollywood movies…

Sonia: Let him be there. We may need his advice. In fact, I’ve asked Vijay Mallya to join via skype.

Manmohan (moving to the next guy): Who are you? Ma’am…

Sonia (irritated that Manmohan is not able to identify participants): Sit down Manmohan. Enough of checking. We need to proceed with the meeting. (addresses the members) I want to make it clear…

Karunanidhi (interrupts): Before you commit anything to others, let me make DMK’s position clear. We need 4 plus 3. Four cabinet seats and three MOS. Otherwise, reporters are waiting outside. I will show this agreement on portfolio allocation to them.

Chidambaram (whispers to Karunanidhi): Sir, this meeting is not for cabinet formation. We are not in power. And the paper you’re waving is your ration card.

Karunanidhi: Is it? I thought all meetings in Delhi are for portfolio allocation. I’ve been coming to Delhi only for that purpose.

Sonia: Can I have your attention please? We are talking of a serious issue. An Italian court names me as the driving force behind the chopper deal. What do I do now?

Chidambaram: Simple, ma’am. Please introduce me to the judge and I will solve the problem in a few minutes.

Sonia: Oh great! But what will you do?

Chidambaram: I will ask the judge to announce the judgement was delivered without his knowledge by the court registrar. The judge will pass a new verdict, which will not have your name. After all, he can’t mention your name based on hearsay… I mean a letter by a third party cannot form part of the judgement…

Singhvi: Chup kar yar Chidambaram. This is not Ishrat affidavit that you can keep on changing. This requires a different approach. I can get it done.

Chidambaram: How? By promising promotion to a female lawyer in Milan? So that she will become a judge and deliver a positive verdict? Laughable. You can’t manage your driver. You’re going to manage the Italian court?

Singhvi (complains to Sonia): Ma’am, this is below the belt.

Chidambaram: He he he…I know. Thanks for accepting that was below the belt.

Singhvi: Abe lungi-wale, ‘below the belt’ means being unfair…not what you think. I don’t know when you Tamils will learn English.

Chidambaram: I’ve a better idea. Ma’am, remember what I said in the coal scam—if coal is not mined, where is the scam? Why don’t you issue a statement that when choppers haven’t been bought, where is the question of kickbacks?

Digvijay: And you’ve forgotten the flak we got from the media for that foolish comment of yours. You guys are lawyers. You are unable to think of a political response. This is a BJP conspiracy, which requires a fitting political response. I can prove that the judge’s forefathers were RSS sympathisers. This will put BJP on the defensive.

Rahul: How will you prove?

Digvijay: We don’t need to prove anything. The Sanghis will bend over backwards and write op-eds in Pioneer and Swarajya that there is no RSS connection. It will keep them busy…

Sonia: But who will publish your theory?

Barkha: NDTV will be happy to air an exclusive one-on-one interview with Digvijay…

Chidambaram: Sure you will, but who watches you programme?

Barkha: Don’t underestimate me, sir. My recent Biryani pe Baath with Derek O’Brien got some eyeballs…

Chidambaram: Come on, people thought it was a cookery show and watched the programme.

Karunanidhi: I have nearly five decades’ of experience in handling corruption allegations. You just need to allege Brahmin conspiracy…it has worked for all these decades…

Sonia (shaking her head): I am not convinced with any of your suggestions. I am unhappy…

Ahmed Patel (excitedly): No problem ma’am. I’ll ask the media to publish that you are unhappy.

At this point, one of the invitees gets up and says contemptuously, “So, this is how you guys plan to counter AgustaWestland issue. I’ll tell PTs about your designs.”

Barkha: Subramanian Swamy?

Sonia: Swamy!?! How the hell did you enter the meeting hall? How did the security guys allow you?

Swamy: Simple. Buddhu signed my entry pass thinking that he was signing papers for incorporating a company in UK!

Swamy laughs in his trademark manner, and leaves the room.

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Re: Scamindia

Postby raja » Fri Apr 29, 2016 4:45 am

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
Brilliant!

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Re: Scamindia

Postby GpeL » Fri Apr 29, 2016 6:49 am

Funny....

Throw in a few mc/bc here and there it would become even more hard hitting.. what says?

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Scamindia

Postby Going South » Fri Apr 29, 2016 12:13 pm

Rofl@srinivasan. Spilled water on keyboard.

The original on the web even provide 6 odd links to the actual news! No kidding!

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Re: Scamindia

Postby Going South » Mon May 02, 2016 12:20 pm

Incensed by the repeated prods of Arnab and the recent challenge of Amit Shah to face the media and answer his questions on AgustaWestland, Sonia decides to give an interview. The problem is she has to choose the right journalist. Come let us see how she takes the decision:

Sonia: Ahmed, enough is enough. I can’t take this anymore. I’ve decided to speak my mind.

Rahul: Wow mom! You’ll give interview? Why don’t you just leave it to Ahmed uncle to inform the media that you are unhappy?

Sonia: No beta. This time it’s different, it’s serious. They say it’s my Bofors. I need to prove them wrong. This is no Bofors.

Ahmed Patel: That would be great ma’am. How will you prove?

Sonia: Simple, I need just two minutes. Bofors deal was for howitzer guns and this is for helicopters. That deal was with army whereas this is with air force…

Ahmed (suppressing a giggle): Oh that kind of interview! Then we need to get the right journalist.

Sonia: Who do you have in mind?

Ahmed: Rajdeep. Bechara, he wouldn’t mind sitting on the footboard of a bus and interviewing. Of course, he will crib for years. But he’ll do it. He just needs a chance to get even with Arnab.

Sonia: Call him.

Ahmed Patel calls Rajdeep on phone.

Rajdeep: Salaam-Alaikum Ahmed bhai. Kya haal hai?

Ahmed: Wa-Alaikum Salaam. Ma’am wants to give an interview on the AgustaWestland issue.

Rajdeep: That’s great Ahmed bhai. You’ve chosen the right journalist. After sense has prevailed over sensation.

Ahmed: Tera yehi bakwaas sun sun ke thang aachukka hun. Ma’am wants sensation. No problem if there is no sense. We want the message to reach people.

Rajdeep: Ok ok ok…don’t get angry. I have a good offer for you. You can reach a large audience.

Ahmed: Offer?

Rajdeep: Haan…buy one get two free. If Sonia ji gives me interview, Sagarika write about in her blog and I will promote the blog in twitter. How does it sound?

Ahmed (irritated): Bhaad mei jao tu aur tera offer. Phone rak!

Rajdeep: Yeh kahan aa gaye hum, yun hee saath saath chalte…Listen to Lata. Gnight, shubhrathri.

Ahmed: (after disconnecting Rajdeep) Ma’am, let’s try Barkha.

Sonia nods her head and Ahmed calls Barkha.

Barkha: Yes Ahmed bhai, kaise yaad kiya? Generally, you call me at the time of deals or cabinet formation. Now you’re out of power…

Ahmed: Sonia ma’am wants to give an interview on the chopper deal. If you could…

Barkha: That’s a good idea. Happy always to help you guys. Can we do this interview day after tomorrow?

Ahmed: Why? Are you travelling?

Barkha: No, no…I’ve checked all the middle class restaurants in Cannaught Place…Narula, Khan Chacha, Nathu’s, Pind Balluchi…all are busy.

Ahmed: What has that do with the interview?

Barkha: Nowadays I shoot interviews only in restaurants. Like Biryani pe Baat and Politics in a Plate, I will do a Sonia’s Such over a Sizzler… Or how about Discussion over Dhokla…Sounds very desi naa? Italian Bahu over Idli-Sambar—still better naa?

Ahmed shakes his head and disconnects the phone.

Sonia: What happened?

Ahmed: She has become mad. We’ve to think of someone else. How about Vikram Chandra?

Sonia (raises her voice): Noooooooo…….

Ahmed: Why? What happened?

Sonia: Poor guy. Vikram reminds me of Rahul. The same pathetic, buddhu look…

Rahul (complains): Mom, you too? Like Subramanian Swamy? This is not fair…

Sonia: I’m sorry beta. Slip of the tongue. I didn’t mean it.

Ahmed: How about Prannoy Roy?

Sonia: He sounds so tired I go to sleep watching his interview. How will I give interview to him?

Ahmed: Don’t worry about that. He can plant a girl in the audience who can ask convenient questions…like…Is it an RSS conspiracy? Or, are the Hindu males plotting against an ablaa naari?

Rahul: Mom, don’t take risk with college girls. Remember what happened to me in a Bengaluru college…you can never be sure about these youngsters.

Sonia (sighs): Hmm…what can we do? We do not seem to have many options.

Ahmed: Shall I try with Bhupendra Chaubey?

Sonia: Does he interview politicians?

Ahmed: Of course he does. What makes you think he doesn’t?

Sonia: No…I thought he interviews only Sunny Leone and…

Ahmed: Ok. How about ‘krantikari’ Punya Prasun Bajpai…

Sonia (irritated): The idea is to clear my name, not to make myself a joke.

Ahmed: Shall we ask Sanjay Hegde to do the interview?

Sonia: But he is not a journalist.

Ahmed: Haan…he is not a party spokesman, still doesn’t he act as one? I suggest we ask him to take your interview and NDTV will telecast anything for us. (calls Sanjay Hegde) Sanjay we want you to interview Sonia ma’am.

Sanjay: But I’m not a journalist.

Ahmed: I know yaar…but you are more than a journalist.

Sanjay: I don’t know who I am. You guys don’t think I am a lawyer. You rush to Singhvi and Sibal with your corruption cases. Agusta didn’t think I could be a journalist when they decided to ‘manage’ twenty journalists. I lose everywhere. You’ve reduced me to a ‘stepney’ spokesman for congress. (a self-loathing Sanjay disconnects the phone.)

Ahmed (exhausted): Shshhhhhh… We have exhausted almost all known anchors. Only Arnab is left.

Sonia: Nooooooooo…Let’s settle for our time tested formula.

Ahmed raises an eyebrow.

Sonia (sighs): Tell the media I am unhappy.

Ahmed pumps his fist with an “Yes!” and gambols out of the room.

http://www.theunrealtimes.com/2016/05/0 ... ntroversy/